The Brat Prince



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Unmasked

[27 Jan 2007|01:51pm] [ mood | numb ] [ music | Boulevard of Broken Dreams - Greenday ] I wish I would stop telling people that I'm OK. when what I really want to do is scream for help. Drink from me

a lesson I can never seem to learn [26 Nov 2006|09:19pm] [ mood | broken and miserable ] [ music | A Little Pain - Olivia ] I guess I'm back to being alone again. Or maybe it's because I was meant to always be alone. And I'm just being my usual stubborn self by rebelling the hand that fate had dealt me. Ah, but what else is there to do? I can't accept the way things are now. Yet, I can't force things to be the way I want them to be. I want to tell myself that it'll be the last time I'm doing this to myself, but I'd be lying. I'm always throwing myself at someone and hoping they'd love me for who I am. Can I be any more pathetic? I should do the world a favor and step in front of a speeding bus. Then there'd be one less idiot in this stupid world. Yes, this means, this journal is being resurrected again. I'm that fucking depressed. I'm going to miss you so much. More than you'll ever know. Drink from me

Of Fate and Dreams [08 Jul 2006|12:42am] [ mood | frustrated ] [ music | String Quartet Tribute to Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit ] ( Ramblings on Fate ) The above was written with no one particular in mind. It's just a general observation regarding the populace. And a lot of it I've taken out of my own experiences, and I'm probably talking more about myself than any other person. I don't mind having a healthy discussion about the topic, but if you feel you have to flame me just because you think I'm talking about you, I don't have time to waste to placate your ego. In other news, I had a weird dream last night. I think it was inspired in part by this ad I saw on the peyups community at LJ. I haven't hidden the fact that I am currently trying to muster to guts to submit a short story for publication, so I'm always at the lookout of places where I might stand a chance getting the crap I consider my writing out into the world. Anyway, in my dream I had gotten something published. Some piece of fiction I've written some years back. And in my dream, my old Creative Writing for Beginner's professor [whose name eludes me right now], had took note of the story while perusing the magazine. And the funny thing is, she remembered my name. And it seemed that she had recommended me to the publisher's o.O I think in my dream, I didn't even submit the story. She did >.< Now, maybe a lot of where that dream came from was just wishful thinking on my part. Or maybe it's my muse telling me to get off my lazy butt and do something towards getting my name on a magazine. I guess having your picture in Asiaweek years ago doesn't count. Unless it's my name on the byline, the muse will not let me rest. Btw, that ad for Likhaan has this pretty picture of handwriting. I've had an idea similar to that for an LJ layout for the longest time -- ever since I first got a DJ I think. And thanks to innocentlyjaded over at LJ, and her pretty pictures I might finally get my wish. ( Click and be amazed ) I'm a little rusty on HTML, but I shall persevere! P.S. Thanks so much to kuchizuke at LJ for the link to the Ouran High School Host Club Opening Theme Song Sakura Kiss It's like coffee. Or better yet, powdered genkiness. Just add water. Or in this case, just push play. [Edit: I almost forgot. We had three new people in the team today. During introductions, instead of the 'give your name and an interest/hobby' routine, they changed it to give one word that best describes you. Everybody lied, of course, because it's more hilarious that way. The new trainees seemed a little bewildered though, too many inside jokes I guess. The funniest introductions were from Tony and Laurice. Tony went: Tony. Hot. Then Laurice followed up with: Laurice: Hotter! XD Froilan introduced himself as: Froilan. Gay. Followed by Ric who said the word that best described him was religious. Then everyone went, we know: because you're always on your knees XD The one word I used for myself was Deviant. Heh. I couldn't think of anything else.] Drink from me

Shopping and Pamahiin [16 May 2006|10:13pm] [ mood | dorky ] [ music | Sleepless Beauty - Nittle Grasper ] I went shopping at Divisoria a couple of weeks ago. I went with my mom. Now there's a woman who loves shopping. I myself couldn't care less if I wear the same thing all the time. My fashion choices are based on three simple things - it should be clean, it should fit, and the colors don't clash. Mother insisted, however, that I get myself new threads. I obliged her and thus I found myself dragged to largest shopping district in the country at 8am on a Sunday morning. At 8am, most of the shops were just opening, and were in the process of putting out their wares. My mother was a firm believer in the old adage 'the early bird gets the worm'. And in this particular case it actually pays off. Filipinos are notorious believers in pamahiin, even in this cyber age. Businessmen, no matter how shrewd, still hold to their belief of certain myths, beyond what other cultures believe to be practices for bringing in luck. While in shopping in Divisoria, I saw first-hand two of those most practiced. ( The buena mano ) Drink from me

[10 May 2006|11:50pm] [ mood | distraught ] [ music | Maskara - Eraserheads ] It's a habit of mine to sit in the dark and think and write. There is something about the enveloping darkness that makes me feel at home and more in touch with myself. Before, I had thought it the best practice, having come up with decent writing in the past when this kind of mood struck me. Tonight is the first time that I am experiencing this again. And with my new laptop. Since I had a bit of free time earlier, having gone home early for a change, I surfed the internet and caught up on some of the things I've been missing since I last had decent internet connection. I peeked at the online communities I had joined ages ago, the ones that are still existing anyway. I came across several posts from this person named Nolan, posts that were about his observations regarding fandom's favorite angst kind - Eiri. His thoughts mirror my own. I emphatize with him so much. And the situations from the fictional storyline he used as examples and connected with his own experiences are things that I myself have gone through. I want to read more about what he has to say. I bookmarked his page on gurabiteshiyon. I've read one story so far. And the complexities he's managed to show made his characterization of Eiri very real. Most of what he wrote about Eiri tackled the other side of him that most people don't see much less comprehend. Those are the kind of things that one only realizes when you've lived with the character for so long that his thinking becomes second nature to you. That's what I think anyway. I can't guarantee that what I think isn't tainted by my perceived proximity to the character in question. More likely, I am saying this and not making sense to most people because I've been there. And that's how I know. I'm trying not to think about it too deeply. If I do, I'll end up taking that anonymous person's ideas and using them as fodder to fuel the theories I myself have come up with. It's rather dangerous for it'll lead me to understand him more, to put more of myself in him and more of himself in me. For the past couple of months I have been trying to distance myself from the character, from the mindset I have been caged in for a very long time. I don't know why I torture myself with it. Even so far as adopting the name. Perhaps because I've grown used to using the character as a mask. A facade. Internally, however, I cringe at every connection that is made between me and him. Masochism. How typical. How like him. To suffer in silence. To love and abhor the same thing. I don't know how to live unless I am/without being at odds with everything. For a while, I didn't even know who I really was. I was too much 'in character'. I know now how to interpret the signals, the ones that carry a huge sign that says 'bastard attitude impending'. I try to go against it. But it isn't easy fighting against your second skin. That is how it feels like. Like something I don, similar to clothing to protect me from the elements. I wear it because I am ashamed of what is underneath. Because I can't confront myself. I don't even like looking at my reflection in the mirror. Just yesterday I was checking the friendster account I made for him. I actually made a friend through that account, even if I treat her like shit, she still sticks around, like shit. In the last couple of messages we exchanged, she compared me to a dictionary. Intelligent. Useful. I would like to add that though some books may be treasured for the warmth gained from reading them, you can't say the same of the dictionary where everything is black and white. Clinical. Literal. Difficult. Hard-covered. Those are the adjectives that come to mind instead. This morning, a friend at the office sent an email to the group. I promptly sent her a reply, and corrected her use of the phrase 'pass time'. She meant pastime. She sent another email to the group rectifying the mistake and calling me the resident thesaurus slash spell-checker. I seriously didn't know whether I should feel flattered. I felt like hitting my head on the table. I would have except it would've attracted unwanted attention. So I suck it up and keep silent. Get back to work. Typical behavior from me. All my life I've never thanked Silence. It is my greatest tool when it comes to dealing with people. Silence lets me keep a calm exterior. It keeps me from getting into trouble. It keeps everyone distant. It doesn't matter to me if I am consider unapproachable, like an unsaillable cliff. Silence is my fortress. When I break my silence it is only for those whom I wish to share a part of me. I learned the hard way that it is not good for one's self to give your everything to every person you meet. So I fend them off even before they get close. With Silence. Drink from me

Superhero Tendencies and the Dissection of the Favor [10 May 2006|12:21am] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | To The Moon and Back - Savage Garden ] The daily grind. Waking up at seven. One hour commute. Work until the bosses says stop. Another hour of commute if luck holds out and traffic isn't so bad. Dinner. Sleep. Rinse and repeat. At least that was how it used to be. Now I have something to look forward to in the last hour before midnight. Sixty minutes that seem to stretch as far as the horizon of my dreams can go. A very slight change, if one would think about it. I lost an hour I used to devote to sleeping. But gained peace of mind. I got my life back. I sleep better too. Now the morning commute is an opportunity to find suitable subjects. Work isn't so dull, not when you have the jokes (no matter how corny) and the reactions of people to document and file away for future use. And as the work day winds to an end, the ride home is full of anticipation for the act of committing the days events and observations into words. It's almost like being a super hero really. You've got your day job, and your disguise. Come night time, you do your real work, without the pretenses. I was talking with Starfish earlier. Conversation with him isn't part of my daily routine, so it is something note-worthy. More so, we talked about something else besides anime. Perhaps even more important than that, several other people got involved in the conversation. Counting my lunch hour (and twenty three minutes in excess of) that I spent with four people (three of which I don't really interact with on a daily basis) I would be apt to conclude that it was a fairly good day spent socializing. I wish I had more days like that. I didn't even do that much work. Just some documents I'm putting together to make a training manual of sorts. The change left me feeling refreshed. Not grumpy as I usually am when work suddenly comes in at night and I am asked to do overtime when the reason isn't really pressing. Back to my conversation with Starfish, we were talking about jmusic again. And it got around to the topic of where I am getting my music. And he wanted to know whether perhaps he can get some of the music he likes to. Maybe I was too harsh with my answer when I replied with "I'm sorry. But I make it a habit not to volunteer being used by people." He got a little defensive, although he tried to make it appear like a joke. He said that it's not asking someone to be used, it's asking for a favor. That got me thinking. When is doing something for someone a favor, and when can it be considered abuse? I suppose you have to factor in the willingness of the person being asked to do something. If that person volunteered, then by all means it is definitely not abuse. Unless, of course, that person is the masochistic kind. Excepting that one case, volunteering do to something doesn't even qualify as a favor since there is no feeling of indebtness. The person wasn't prompted or asked. So why should you feel like you owe him or her something right? Then there's frequency. If the act of asking for something doesn't happen often, then it qualifies as a favor. Even if it means asking for something completely out of this world, something that can be called as a special treat (which by the very definition of the term implies something that isn't very done often). A very good example of this is when two people who haven't seen in each for a long time whether they be friends, kin or past flames, there seems to be some obligation to indulge the other person. It's part of human nature. And it's not considered as abusive. Third is severity of the wish. It's common sense that if someone asked you to kill another person as a favor, there is seriously something wrong with you, and with your friend or relative if he consents to. Thus, a request that isn't within the boundaries of normal human needs and wants can be considered as abusive. A favor is something that can be given without over exerting the capabilities of the person it was asked of. A favor falls into the realm of 'if it isn't too much of a bother'. It might cause a slight inconvenience, but nothing that can't be appeased by the simple act of saying thank you after the task is done and the acknowledgment that a favor is owned in return. A favor is something that can be given back, something than can be owed. And the favor being returned is something of equal value. The value of a favor isn't measured by price. A favor is an emotional investment afterall. Asking for a favor leaves you vulnerable. It shouldn't be something that is asked of lightly, because it does entail some degree of responsibility. Trust is part of the exchange. Asking favors from someone is part of our human nature. It is an unconcious way of saying and accepting that you need other people. And that you wanted to be needed in return. The promise of repaying the favor on a future date is also a way of showing that you are worth something. That is probably why some (rather insecure) people collect and trade favors the same way brokers trade stocks. It also explains why men feel loyalty towards those who have done them favors before. Favors can be considered as a method measuring how much you want to invite other people into your life. A man who owes nothing, loves nothing. That does put me in a predicament doesn't it? I don't want to owe anyone anything because I don't like feeling obligated. Yet, I always volunteer my help even if it seems out of place whether it's because they can probably handle things themselves, or I end up juggling too many things along side the request being asked. So what does that one-sided relationship mean. That it's better to give than to receive. Bullshit. That I want to love, but don't feel like I'm worth the love. Thus, I'm continuously trying to prove myself. Maybe. Or maybe, this is just me once more thinking about things too much, and extracting meaning where there aren't any to be found so I end up twisting my ideas to resemble some form of intelligible writing when in fact the rather believable horse-shit I come up with are nothing more than the musings of an overworked, sleep-deprived yuppie who is high on tea. Drink from me

Day Two [08 May 2006|12:09am] [ mood | gloomy ] [ music | Stigmatized - The Calling ] 11:09 PM 5/7/2006 Talking with Bre-chan. I guess I won't be getting much writing done. If at all. Not because I'm tied up online. It's because my brain is asleep. Don't want to go to work tomorrow. Then again I say that everyday when I wake up and before going to bed. Regardless of how much I whine about it though, we all know I'll show up at the office anyway. *sigh* I guess it'll be a while before I get myself out of that mindset of the poor peon slaving away at a job she doesn't like for a boss she doesn't care about. Was thinking of not doing any overtime. Then again, I do need the money. Argh. So torn I'm not even coherent. Maybe I could call in sick? But then I would use up all my leaves. Eurgh. When I got to bed tonight, I should come up with a believable plot for the Eiri x Ryuichi fic. And then start on it tomorrow. When's the angst when you need it? My angst well has been dry for so fucking long. And since I write angst best, it means all I write is crap. Fuck. There is, of course, the choice of not writing angst since that avenue is effectively closed to me at the moment. But then, what am I going to write about? Sap, fluff, romance? Ewww. I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I'd rather catch pneumonia and die. So I guess there's only my sarcasm left. I should go back to writing essays. The stuff that drips with cynicism. It'll get me started, if anything. And it'll get me to pay attention to things more. If I am going to start writing original stories again, I need to observe, observe and observe. And the only time I get to do that is when commuting to and from work. Two hours of dust, smoke and suicidal drivers. What more can I ask for? At the very least it is a very different atmosphere from the air-conditioned, anti-septic confines of the office with its glittering machines. Wish I had a baseball bat with which I can smash all those damn equipment to pieces. Maybe that will make me feel vindicated. Nothing more to write about today. Probably because I did nothing today except sleep and do my laundry. I'm currently broke. I think I've mentioned that half a dozen times already. I actually need to withdraw from my back-up funds just to get through the week. That hasn't happened in a very long time, and the first time it did it was because someone I used to trust used my rent money to buy worthless shit instead of forking it over the landlady. At least I think I got the splurging phase out of my system now that the weekend is over. Hope this itch doesn't need scratching for another year or so. Cause I don't think I'd be able to afford it under the circumstances. Good thing I don't need to pay for the laptop until next month. Cause this month's savings (if there are any) are for the Palawan trip. I need to go to sleep. Now that I made the decision not to watch TV, I'm debating whether I should watch QAF. On one hand, it gives me great ideas. On the other, it makes me feel like I'm just rehashing what they've already done. ANd some of the ideas they have (like those Maki Murakami uses in the new chapter of Gravitation) I've already thought of before. So I am getting corrupted by watching the series. Argh. I should take David Eddings' advice and not read (or in this case watch) in the field. But sometimes it comes as research or developing my style. So, now I'm torn. Wait, I already had this dilemma last night, or sometime yesterday. And I came up with the conclusion that the problem is not that my own ideas are overshadowed by what is already done. One should be rightfully inspired by beauty and by greatness. It is when we strive to imitate greatness that we fail. Like that art dude in GetBackers. We should never try to imitate. What we should get from the great works is the inspiration to do something as great, not something similar. Cause if you do the latter all you'll ever come up with is a second-rate copy that will satisfy nobody and make you hate yourself and lose your self-confidence. I guess there is some wisdom in not reading in the field, just as there is wisdom in not shutting one's self out completely for fear of corruption. As with everything, a healthy balance should be made. And it is this healthy balance that I must find. Perhaps I should write first and then deal with the similarities later. Afterall, I am honest enough with myself to acknowledge when I am simply copying somebody else's idea and putting it in my own words. It never feels right in my gut, and it leaves a feeling of shame. No matter how beautifully crafted it is, if I know it is not wholly mine, I can never feel pride in it. And sometimes, pride is all that gets me going. Don't know how I'll get through tomorrow. I almost dread going to work and finding it all so empty. Wait, that is what I do everyday. So I guess I'll just do what I always do-- count the others before I can go home and feel alive again. I really don't care for my job anymore. There is no delight in it. No pride. Nothing to look forward to. No reason to work my ass off other than the pay. And money really is poor motivation. Wow. Took me a while to finally admit that to myself. I'm actually thinking that teaching would feel more rewarding than this. At least I know I'm giving back to the community. Nothing much I can do for the rest of the year. I guess I should start looking at writing workshops. If I can find the money to pay for them. Christ, I don't know how I'll live through this. BUt I will. I have to. Like Brian said, bite the bullet. And sacrifice everything. Drink from me

Game Plan [06 May 2006|10:48pm] [ mood | optimistic ] [ music | Life Goes On - Leann Rimes ] So it begins. There was something that I forgot to mention the other night. You know how it is with people, especially men, going through their mid-life crisis? The wealthy ones end up buying themselves a sports cars, preferably a Porsche convertible. So it is with me and my quarter-life crisis. I ended up buying a laptop. Make whatever allusions you want. I'm not in the explaining mood at the moment. I dug up some of my more decent and recent fiction from writing.com. Storage and easy retrieval are the only good I get out of that online portfolio. Plus the occassional reviews for the instant ego boost. Anyway, I'm planning on sending one of stories to Story Philippines, and hope that it gets published. I know those stories in the portfolio are at least two years old, but I'm learning the ropes again and can't dive in to full-pledged creative writing yet. I've noticed that since it has been a while since I've written anything, looking at the fiction I've written in the past makes me feel like some other person wrote them. This realization has two effects. One, I can objectively look at my work now and identify what works and what doesn't. I can critique my own work. And that means I can actually do rewrites. Amazing. Ask anyone and they all know how much I effin hate rewrites. And number two, is that I noticed just how much I changed over the years. It's of some importance since I still often find myself thinking in the mindset of an eighteen year old. Or younger. I think I actually regress sometimes, particularly when supposed adults around me piss me off. There are a couple of things I need to do before I get started on this writing business. Well, maybe need to do isn't really the right term. It's more of ought to do. Here's the list: 1. Install Microsoft Office. Though I still prefer to use notepad for all my writing, I'm gonna need a decent word processor if only for the word count and grammar check features =P 2. Buy a dictionary. I've been planning to, for the last six years. I really need to get one. My vocabulary is rusty >.< 3. Look for my copy of Strunk and White's Elements of Style. If my vocabulary is rusty, my grammar is rustier, if there is such a word. If there isn't, then I just coined a new term. Yey for me. 4. Edit my old fiction in a more "publishable" form. 5. Dig out my old creative writing readings. 6. Generate story ideas. Easier said that done. 7. Continue the practice of writing for at least an hour every day. No matter how tired I am. Again, easier said that done, but it's something that needs to be done. 8. Read The Best of Philippine Short Stories from end to end. 9. Subscribe to Story Philippines. 10. Do the necessary research for the stories. 11. Buy new books, to get introduced to other writing styles. 12. Track down books that other people have borrowed. 13. Learn the idioms and when to use and not to use them. 14. Study other points of view, not to mention writing dialogue. Oh, fuck it. Power just went out. Took the effin phone with it. So no internet too. On top of all my that, the laptop's only got 16 minutes of battery life left. Guess I'd better go and make the room less stuffy. Damn it's hot in here. Power's back on. Hooray! Internet won't connect though, so boo! The first thing I gotta do is to put the RPG back on track. The third anniversary went by without notice. It really makes me sad. But, getting the RPG alive and kicking again means I have to come up with a post. Several even. Ergo, I need to write. So I'm just looping around right now. The thing is, I've hashed and rehashed my story ideas for Eiri so many times in my head I can't put it all into one coherent story. It's got too many branches. And I've lost some of the details. I guess I'd better read up on the posts I need to write follow-ups for. I need to start from scratch again. As for original story ideas, I think I've had a few. But since I've forgotten all of them, I need to come up with new ones. It just seems that my work and daily routine doesn't inspire much creativity. Or maybe I'm just looking at it in the wrong light. It is afterall my only source of stimulus. Perhaps I'm unconciously filtering out the kind of stimulus that would translate into a story. I guess I'd better be a little more vigilant in trapping those elusive story ideas. And no more watching TV. Though I suppose American Idol is the exception. Granted it is the only thing I do watch on TV. And only four more weeks left. Argh. I just remembered that Eiri x Ryuichi fic I owe Len >.< Maybe that's a good a start as any. Afterall, sex scenes are very difficult to write. And if I can pull it off and make it believable without letting the characters become out of character, then I got it made. And since it is completely different from thet Hatori x Shigure fic I wrote ages ago, I really shouldn't use the latter as the basis of all smut I write. I must admit it was very good, and it's precisely because of that that I haven't written another story of the same kind. But it's time for me to make another attempt. I'm broke by the way. And it seems that I will be perpetually broke until I pay off this laptop. Oh well, one must make sarcifices. Although my dad was interviewing me earlier regarding how long I plan to stay employed. They're probably thinking that I'll take the same route they took. Stick with a company long enough to reap the retirement benefits. If you're going to ask me now what my plans are, I'll say I'm strongly leaning towards looking for another company in a couple of years time. But that is what I'm thinking now. Who knows what it'll be tomorrow. I'm thinking of putting together a compilation of the posts in the gravitation rpg. More for use as a personal reference really. And it can give my spanking new printer something to do other than uselessly sit in its box. I still can't help but reminisce about the great times we've had. There isn't much of that these days, if there are any posts at all. My brain is still disjointed as this entry testifies. I keep jumping from one topic to another -- proof that I can't stick to any one idea for a prolonged period of time. I've got a look of work to do before I even get myself to the point where I can easily dish out a short story in two hours of frenzied writing. I miss those days. Hopefully, it won't be long before I get back in the zone. I should go and rewatch Dead Poets Society again, if only for the light and happy feeling I get from watching it. Maybe I can get inspired by Mr. Keating's words. It worked before. Might as well try. No harm can come from it. I should get to bed. FInally catch up on sleep. Until tomorrow then. Drink from me

Sibling [05 May 2006|11:55pm] [ mood | nostalgic ] [ music | Alanis Morisette - That I Would Be Goof ] I was talking to my younger brother earlier. Among the members of my family, he's the only one I can talk to. Literally. Anyway, this June he'll be a high school senior. And like most (I hope) kids in their last year of high school, he's considering his options regarding college education. He's got it into his head (and he's really very stubborn about this) that he'll be getting a degree in Computer Science (like me) from UP Diliman (like me). He won't consider any other school. Or any other course to major in. He really got me floored. When this came up, I don't know whether to feel flattered or smack him. I did the latter. On one hand, I'm happy he knows what he wants. I put my parents, especially my mother through hell in my last year of high school precisely because I couldn't decide on which college to attend and whether I should be taking pre-med or engineering. In the end, I made a choice that I could live with (though it wasn't an easy choice given that I passed all my entrance exams and had a few scholarships to choose from too). If my problem was that I couldn't decide which I want more (blame it on me being a Gemini), my older brother's problem is that he doesn't even know what he wants (typical Aries =P). Which probably explains why almost ten years since he started college he still hasn't finished a degree yet. He always comes close, lacking only a subject or two. It's infuriating really. But I'm digressing. Back to my other brother, I'm not trying to discourage him or anything, just telling him the facts as I know it. And if he really wants to pursue computer science, he really needs to do better at Math. He said he's willing to work on it. More than that, he even made the initiative to borrow my books and really read them. Frankly, my younger brother scares me sometimes. He's Pisces by the way XD This afternoon, over coffee (he's addicted to it, same as me, and given his career choice I'm taking it as a GOOD sign XD) he said that he wanted to learn to play a musical instrument - piano or violin. Again, I was flabbergasted. He said he's downloaded the music to Mizerable (him being a fan of Gackt is another one of my influences, it wasn't intentional I swear) and that he's already looked up music schools. At least, when he wants something, he's really willing to do the grunt work. As it is, he won't stop bugging me to teach him Japanese >_> I <3 my little otouto. It's surprising to admit this to myself now considering that I hated him with all my black little heart when he was born (I had a very bad case of sibling rivalry and the middle-child syndrome, angst that belongs to the past). I just hope that my influence on him doesn't come out as me trying to live life the way I wanted through him >. Drink from me

Beginnings [05 May 2006|08:45am] [ mood | excited ] [ music | the purring of MY laptop ] Craved, dreamt about, and agonized over. Now it's finally here, clutched between my greedy little hands. ACER ASPIRE 5562WXMI + Intel Centrino Duo 166GHz + 14.1" WXGA CrystalBrite LCD + ATI Mobility Radeon X1400 + 80GB 5400 rpm SATA HDD + DVD Super Multi double layer (DVD + RW) + 512MB DDR2 + 802.11 a/b/g wireless LAN + Bluetooth 2.0 + EDR Fear the geekiness of my post! Surprisingly, with a little help from google, I understood what most of the above numbers and jargon meant XD On to the formalities. To my new laptop, I dub thee, Lethologica. My new only best friend. I'd take a picture to commemorate the event, but sadly allslashedout had gone home to her parents (taking her camera with her) and mine needs new batteries. So just click the link above to see it at the official website. I originally wanted a Toshiba Satellite M100-P340. But it was out of stock. And I couldn't wait the week it'll take for the new shipment to come in. I think (and would like to believe) that I got a better bargain. Even if I did overshoot my budget by 5K >.< It hasn't quite sunk in yet. That I just bought - now own - a laptop. It's surreal. It feels like I've sold my soul to the devil or something. I can be seen in that light I suppose. I have to pay for this sleek and spiffy new computer for the next twelve months. Ergo, I can't quit my job (no matter how unhappy and disgusted it makes me) and get a second degree in Creative Writing like I was planning to. Thing is, this purchase is a sort of compromise. A concession. I bought it so I won't have any excuses left not to write. Everything else - the feeling of pride characteristic in a geek possessing top of the line equipment, the convenience, the coolness factor - can be classified as a nice bonus. Course it means I have to cut back on the food trips and night outs for movies, bowling and coffee. But my sanity is worth every damn peso. I don't see this as a cure all for my two year creative drought. But at least I know that I eliminated one of the most nagging what-ifs in my long list of what-ifs that keeps me awake at night thinking of what could've beens. All that is left for me is begin willing my brain to think and come up with new ideas, and to communicate that to my fingers to do the rendering on this machine. So far so good I think. P.S. I want this one for Eiri. Drink from me

[01 Jan 2006|10:45pm] [ mood | bouncy ] Considering I don't actively pimp my writing accounts, I get tremendously happy when I receive reviews. Especially nice ones. I mean knowing someone takes the time to read what you wrote tells you you did all right right? But for some to take the extra mile and tell you they liked what you wrote (and even ask questions and stuff) I mean, that just makes you feel so awesome! Note to Self: I should make it a point to check on my accounts when I'm feeling down. To get the instant ego-boost XD Btw, does anyone know anyplace where they accept short stories written in English for publishing locally? Er, did I make any sense? *chicken little imitation of 'huh?whawetalkinbout?'* 4 fledglings|Drink from me

[31 Dec 2005|11:07pm] [ mood | complacent ] I was supposed to post this last night, but it was difficult getting a connection. ( New Year's Post ) Drink from me

Ideals [30 Dec 2005|07:23pm] [ mood | listless ] [ music | Bright Lights - Matchbox Twenty ] I really don't like kids. Sure they're cute, who isn't when their young right? But they're so damn annoying, it doesn't take five seconds for me to dislike one. I need to write a post. I'm getting myself warmed up for the task. I'm in my lazy mode. I woke up early to run some errands. Then slept the afternoon away. They woke me up around five. I didn't want to get up but after my aunt had been continuously knocking on my door for five minutes, I had to. I'm going online later to reserve tickets for that BSB concert. Ha. Finally admitted to myself that I am indeed going. *sigh* So many things I want to do. I want a computer and a car. I can't save up for both at the same time, so I should figure out which one I need most. I've been putting off buying a new computer, convincing myself that I get by without one. But if I do have a computer, I'd be less likely to get moody. So I guess, that should be my priority. Also, if I am serious about both enhancing my writing and programming skills, I should get one immediately. There is, of course, the problem of being broke. Just this morning my mom was asking me if I could lend her 5K cause my idiot of a cousin had gotten herself pregnant and was rushed to the hospital last night to deliver the baby. She isn't due for another week, but had to get a c-section anyway. My mom asked me that right after I forked over the 11K for all the stuff for the new flat charged to my credit card. I know I said I'll pay for some of the stuff. My initial budget was around 20K. But so far, I've already shelled out close to fifty. Christ, I knew this would happen. For the past year that I've worked I haven't handed her a single cent, and she didn't say a word. Behind my back she had been bragging about how she never asked anything of me until last month. Yeah, well, now not a day goes by without me having to pay for something that isn't supposed to be my responsibility to pay for. I don't believe in the ideals of my countrymen that children should provide for the parents once they are able to. That's just bullshit. No wonder the country is so goddamn backward. They're investing on the past, not the future. I believe that my responsibility is to myself, and to the family that I will have in the future. That's why I save, and spend only for my self. Because I am investing on myself, the same way that the country had invested on me by giving me my education and such. Parents have a responsibility to their children. Not the other way around. The thought that the only reason some people have children is that so they'll have someone to take care of them in their old age makes my blood boil. We should be looking forward. I know my opinion flies in the face of tradition, but that is what I think and I will not condone the practice in my family. What happens with your family is your concern, however, and I don't begrudge your parents their nest egg (aka you) in their old age. /end rant Bottom line is, it's goodbye new laptop, goodbye new car, and hello bills, bills, bills. Shit. I'm thinking of taking classes on weekends. IT short courses and such. Before the programmer in me dies. I swear that the company I work for will be the death of the part of me that has ideals and dreams. Unless I do something about it. And I will. Mark my words. I should get myself some cookbooks. I'm thinking that for every skill category I should know or be good at at least one thing. For example, sports: figure skating, art: writing, music: guitar, that sort of thing. I should draw up a list. And make it my goal. I heard TLC's Damaged again this morning on the radio. Its been a while since I last heard it. It still gets to me. I thought I'd told myself to stop listening to angst music but I can't help it. On the other hand, I checked my AFF.net account earlier and the reviews for the only story I've ever posted increased to 16, while the story rating is not 5 stars average *smirk* Among the reviews, one was requesting for a fic challenge, another was saying he/she was going to rec the fic, and much praise. I fee loved *glows* Heh, it's good for my muse's ego. Probably why I'm starting to get the writing itch again. I don't know when this change occured, but I know find myself referring to my muse as 'she' *gasp* Len and her shoujo ways must have finally gotten to me (and my muse too) >_> Is this the end of my yaoi writing days? Yeah, right. As if that'll ever happen. I haven't watched the anime Len has lent me (DN Angel, Get Backers and Count of Monte Cristo), except for Sensitive Pornograph and the first disc of Haru wo Daiteita. Everytime I sit myself in front of the PC to start a marathon, I end up writing instead. Or sleeping. Gomen. I'll watch them soon. I said I was going to post pictures of my new flat but I'm too lazy to resize the pictures ._. Maybe I'll post a couple later. Still can't believe what Len had told me about the latest chapter of the Gravitation manga. Christ, it's as if Maki Murakami is reading my mind, first with regards to the kid, now with the Ryuichi x Shuichi thing. She's stealing mine and Faye's ideas damn it! As I told Len last night, maybe we're long lost twins or something XD When I get back on January 2nd, the list of things I need to do would be: meet up with Ruby, Karen and Len for coffee; buy BSB tickets; get myself those earrings I've been eyeing, plus the Deitel and Deitel C++ How to Program Book (so me and Gackt will have something in commen, ne? *snicker*), and a couple of CDs -- the Party on Weekends CD (I never thought I'd be into House music) and Eheads anthology (UltraElectroMagneticJam is all right, but the original is still the best). I also need to change my address info (if anybody wants to write me, I can email you my new address ^_~) at the office and the bank, and badger the fucking phone company to get my damn phone installed. I think I'll also buy Winnie's DVD player. Maybe. Does anybody know where I can find Robotech DVDs? I'll love you for the rest of my life if you could tell me <3 Also if you can tell me where I can download the song Scotty Doesn't Know. It's on the EuroTrip soundtrack. And it's damn catchy. I still owe Len that Ryuichi x Eiri fic >.< My muse isn't in the smut mode right now. I can't even write the Shuichi X Eiri post for the RPG. Speaking of RPG posts, I should get started on that. Till later then. 3 fledglings|Drink from me

stolen from breanna [30 Dec 2005|06:21pm] [ mood | cynical ] What colour is your soul? - anime pics (now w/ new result) brought to you by Quizilla Your soul is Black! (yay?) You're a loner by nature and love it. You might have a couple VERY LOYAL friends, but mostly your biting sarcasm keeps them away. You like your alone-time and dispise the times you have to be in a group. You're not evil, but you like to act like it. People are drawn to: your weird sense of humor People are pushed away by: yourself Quotes: "Heaven didn't want me and Hell thinks I'll take over." "Never knock on Death's door, ring the doorbell and run away.... he hates that." That doesn't surprise me at all. 3 fledglings|Drink from me

Wake Me Up When December Ends - Foreword [30 Dec 2005|01:15am] I'm going to be posting back-dated entries since the stupid phone company wasn't able to install a phone in the new flat I've moved into before I've finally given up and gone to my parents house to spend the rest of my vacation. There are a number of posts I've written, and I'm collectively calling them my "Wake Me Up When December Ends" posts. Drink from me

Wake Me Up When December Ends - Abstinence [29 Dec 2005|12:55pm] So, here I am on a bus, waiting for it to take me home. Truth is, I don't want to go. I wanted to stay in the city, and experience being alone (literally) and on my own during New Year's. The thing with parents, however, is that you need to break them into new things slowly. So, for this year, I just spent the christmas week without family, but as for the big days like christmas itself and new year's I have to spend with them. It's fair I suppose. Next year will be different however. Or at least I'm hoping it will be. So I spent the last three days watching Queer Assed Folks. My mind is numb from watching sex. I understand what oneechan means when she goes into a week-long yaoi abstinence. It does get boring after a while (mind you I'm only saying to instances when you see, live, and breathe yaoi twenty four seven. Happened to me a couple of times before -- namely after going through the yaoi CD oneechan gave me (it was filled with doujins) and after reading Grace Trilogy (a BSB slash fic). But Brian (Gale Harold) and Justin (dunno the actor) are very good actors. I mean, it just isn't sex, booze and drugs, there actually is a story and that was something that I realized after watching the first season plus a couple of episodes of the second season). It's a lot like reading Haru wo Daiteita. You fall in love with the characters and the story, that the sex is just a bonus. Let me digress to announce that the bus is now leaving, thank the kami. Sore wa... Watashi no tonari ni otoko no hito ga imasu. Tokidoki konpyuta o miru. Watashi no kaku ni otoko wa yomimasu. Hidoi yo. Sorry I speak bad japanese. I'm out of practice. I guess a bus really isn't the best place to be writing. The ride is kind bumpy. I hope it gets smoother once we hit the expressway. Let me backtrack a bit as to why we ended up watching QAF in the first place. Well, I had put it down in my christmas wishlist at the office--- the complete series, seasons 1-5.. The guy who sits next to me at the office, actually he's gay and his name is Ric, after he asked us to rec him some pink films (he watched Eating Out on our suggestion), he also put QAF on his wishlist. The day before the Christmas Party, Tony (one of the guys at the office) asked Ric if he's willing to reimburse part of the expenses for getting him the gift he wanted which was the QAF DVDs. Suzi also asked me, on behalf of the oerson who had been giving me my kris kringle gifts (for those unfamiliar with the practice, it's an exercise wherein you draw names and then anonymously give gifts to the person whose name you've drawn based on a them for the week, in our case since most of the themes were of the ridiculous kind, you end up giving and receiving gag gifts for about six weeks, so for the culminating activity we each fill out a wishlist and the parent gives the gift you really want).So during the christmas party itself, I was kinda expecting to get the QAF DVDs. AND I DIDN'T! Coz it turns out, two days prior, Quiapo (which is the source of all bootleg DVDs in Metro manila) got raided. So I didn't get my DVDs, but Ric did coz his parent got the DVDs from MetroWalk a bit earlier than mine. I was a bit pissed off, but the QAF marathon made up for it =) Well, I better stop. The ride isn't getting any less bumpy. Later. 1:25 PM 12/29/2005 5:05 PM 12/29/2005 Back. I fell asleep and woke up halfway through the trip. It was raining earlier, so it's kinda cold. Perfect for napping. Not to mention I had a headache. I'm hungry though coz I haven't eaten since this morning. Not like I can leave my stuff on the bus and grab something to eat at the bus stop anyway. It'll be around dinner time when I get home anyway. Although I've gotten over losing my ATM, I'm still a little mad at myself. It's the first time something like that has happened to me. And I hate that it has put me in such a bind with regards to my finances. I guess I really can't get that obsessive-compulsiveness when it comes to things like bills and shit out of my system. I'm not even home yet and already I want to go back. Not like this vsit would be any different from the rest. The moment I get home I'll unpack the laptop, spend all my time in front of it, writing, reading, listening. They'll only see me at meals, sometimes not even since my sleeping pattern usually gets fucked up when I'm at home -- I'm asleep when they're awake and vice versa. I'm also kinda pissed off that we won't be going to Subic anymore. I was kinda looking forward to it. And it was the only reason why I wanted to go home. There's also the annual visit to see my grandfather on New Year's (his birthday). I really want to call Breanna. I dunno if she's at home though. I think her family usually visit relatives at this time of the year. Besides, I'll have to read up on her entries at least for the past week to see if she's in a talkative mood. I'm fine with just hearing her voice, but since we're both not the talkative type, it might be a bit awkward if the only thing we do for twenty minutes is listen to each other breathe. I want to have coffee with oneechan when I get back. I hope her okaasan lets her. Still haven't figured out what to give her. I suck. And I know she's the type who'll drop hints but won't tell you outright what she'd want for christmas or her birthday. It's maddening. She keeps saying it's all right if she doesn't get any gifts but I feel otherwise. Besides, I want to reciprocate her kind gestures She's always giving me stuff. She's spoiling me really. But it is kinda nice. There are some things that I feel I should talk about but right now I really don't want to think about. Maybe because I haven't chewed on the idea enough. Or maybe because I'm just not ready to accept. Family has always been a touchy subject to me. It's not that my family embarasses me. Only, when people start talking about their family, I can't relate since I don't have memories of my family and my childhood like everyone else. I mean, if somebody asked me how it was in our house when I was seven or nine or twelve, I'm at a loss at what to say. So I don't say anything. I've never been interested in genealogy either so I can't tell great-granparents stories (those are for pissing contests anyway). If you even ask me to name all my aunts and uncles and cousins, I wouldn't be able to tell you. I'm pathetic really. A lot of people crave for a family but isn't blessed with one. I have a family and I simply don't care. This is one of the reasons I don't like Christmas holidays. I always get into these moods. Brooding is fine, I don't agree with Louis de Pointe du Lac when he said in Interview With The Vampire that it was a waste of time. But if I'm always brooding about gloomy things, I think I'd much rather think of something else. I'm into that 'I need to get angry, get drunk, get laid do anything as long as I do something' kind of moods. Being neutral when my bottled up emotions is bursting to be let up is killing me. But I can't help it. I've been so used to being this way it's hard to conceive of any other state to be in. Geez, I really am Pathetic. My head is starting to hurt again. Times like these I hate myself for always thinking too much. I've finally admitted to myself that I do need taking care of. I am the lost puppy that everyone can't resist to coddle. It's what I need right now really. I try to shrug everyone's concern off, but I really need to feel like someone somewhere is thinking about me and is worried that I might not be happy. And I want that person to feel that way not because of obligations due to blood ties. But because they know me as a person and know what it is that'll make me feel better. Dakishimeta yo. Demo... watashi wa kawaii sou da yo. Seigatsu wa hidoi. Warui kimochi. *sigh* 5:35 PM 12/29/2005 Totemo samui desu yo. I can see the wind harshly throwing the limbs of the tress about. It's been cloudy all day, but now that it's dusk, it looks even more gloomy from my window. It just makes the cheery and loud-colored christmas lights look more ironic. They try to chase away the cold of the season with the warmth of companionship and goodness. It never really worked for me. This time of the year, I really don't need gifts. I just want someone to talk to really. But because of the holidays everyone is too busy shopping for presents. Nobody has the time to just down with a cup of coffee and simply talk. I don't realy get the traditions of christmas, especially the ones furthered by the catholic church. They have a bloody history which they try to cover up with childish fairy tales. You wonder if they're stock holders of Disney.They way they peddle merchandise, or Rome can be considered a giant theme park. Whatever. I'm rambling, and it doesn't matter what I think. I need to do something with my hair. I'm bored with the way it is. I'm thinking of doing something wild with it. But I never get past the planning. I'm a fucking coward. The past couple of weeks I've been very close to death I believe. Traffic accidents you know. I wonder if someone from above is trying to warn me. Yet even something of that proportion can't get my attention. Two near collisions, getting in a cab with the driver asleep at the wheel, a member of the extended family being murdered. Maybe I'm being told to stop being so selfish. Because all I really have come to care about is myself. And my needs and wants. Can you blame me? 5:49 PM 12/29/2005 Drink from me

Wake Me Up When December Ends - Kin [25 Dec 2005|07:59pm] I survived. There were things that I could have done differently, but the important thing is that I got through the day. And I even enjoyed some of the moments. Maybe because there were less people than usual. Still, it doesn't take all that much to piss me off. I really just want some time alone by myself. But they won't even let me out of their sight for more than five minutes. I can handle only so much of my kin. It gets on my nerves really. I can't feel any compassion or connection with any of them. I've always been outside of the circle of trust. And I have no desire to be included now of all times. It makes me a hypocrite. But I don't care what they think since I don't care about them. I feel no affiliation for people who accept me not because they know who I am but because we just happen to have distantly related DNA. They all have pre-conceived notions of who I am, which are, of course, not close to the true me at all. I like to keep it that way, if only because they'd bother me less. I need time alone to get my writing groove back. People keep distracting me and getting in the way. It's so damn frustrating. Not just for me, but my muse as well. Being around people takes so much of my energy, I barely have enough left to write a short entry after they've all gone to sleep and I can finally have a decent talk with my muse. I'm really looking forward to having the house to myself. Now, all I've got to do is convince my mom to let me have the laptop for a few more days. That would be bliss. I know I said I'd stay away from the alcohol, but I think I couple of Smirnoff Ice are in order. Besides, I've been very good, aside from the wine last night, I haven't drunk a drop of liquor for the entire month. I feel that I need that time with to experience the house just by myself for me to truly call it my home. The other perks are secondary. I want a laptop and I want one now! I'll start looking around for one tomorrow. It'd be a waste to get my muse going and then suddenly stop again after the holidays are over. I'll need a decent printer too. And I should start researching on material for my writing project. Though, I first need to decide on what to write and that's the tough part. I should also include, nay, put on top of my to-do list for next year, to get myself published. Doesn't matter how small, or obscure, I just feel that I have to. If only to prove that I can dream and make it happen. 'Do one thing each day that scares you.' That definitely counts as one of the things that scare me shitless. Drink from me

Wake Me Up When December Ends - Oneechan [25 Dec 2005|02:05am] I met with oneechan earlier. She made me feel better, although I still can't put my finger on what it is precisely that got me upset. Still, the two hours I spent with her made the family gathering at the christmas dinner table more bearable. It didn't help me from snapping, but at least my family knows me well enough by now to recognize the danger signals. I haven't drunk as much wine as I wanted to. I have my older brother to compete with for the bottle. Tch. I fired off three sets of Christmas greetings to my officemates, distant friends and lastly, my VIP list. I did manage to finish buying gifts for everyone, except oneechan. I'm still kinda pissed off that someone else is giving her the 100 LJ icons she wants for Christmas. I wanted to do something nice for her since she'd been truly like an older sister to me. I've thought of something to put in my online profiles. Describing myself in three words I am: laconic. cynical. middle-child. Everything else can be expounded from that. I still have a bunch of things I need to do before the year ends. First and foremost, I need to unpack. Second, I need to write up pending posts. Third, I need to start preparing for my SE exam, so I need to buy a reference book, and a laptop with which to practice with. I also need to make a list of my new year resolutions. I already have a couple, some of them leftovers from the previous years. 1. Drink water 2. Exercise/ Stretch 3. Eat less/ Lose weight (eat less carb, more veggies, and cut down on caffeine/sugar) 4. Balance my finances (account for expenses, create excel file for projection) 5. Remember birthdays (mark them on my organizer, once I get one from Starbucks) 6. Study C++ 7. COntinue studying Nihonggo (learn at least two new kanji characters everyday, one grammar lesson every week) 8. Establish a schedule regarding household chores 9. Write at least one hour everyday 10. Send letters/email to friends/relatives at least once a month 11. Update all my personal info 12. Start collecting pictures/ compile current collection into a scrapbook 13. Do less overtime (so you'll have the time to get the rest of the things in this list done) 14. Buy one book every month (veer away from S&F if possible) 15. Remember to brush regularly (set your alarm if need be) 16. Get to work early (by 8:30am) 17. Stay away from alcohol (especially when depressed or moody) 18. Make the effort to get to know people more (also known as project anti-agoraphobia) 19. Smile 20. Primp regularly That's about all I can think of at the moment. I'll add some more as I think of them. (although number 21 would unofficially be get a boy friend) I just thought of a couple more: 22. Take vitamins 23. Try not to get sick so much (you have an umbrella, use it) 24. Try not to get too stressed over little things that characterizes human idiocy(mission impossible, I know, but I have to try, even if I die trying) 25. Be not afraid of making a fool of yourself for the sake of the one you care about (kimi no tameni dekiru koto...) In short, let loose Hn... I think that's it for now. The other things to do flitting in my mind are more in the nature of tasks than resolutions. I should print this list out and check on it from time to time and see how I'm doing. I also should think of a song which would be my new theme song for the year. I feel like I'm just about done with angst music. I'm not thinking of throwing it out the window. I think I'm ready for a change s'all. A change of pace, a change in terms of point of view. I've been a night person all my life. Maybe it's time to exchange the bittersweet melancholy of sunsets, with the promise the sunrise of a new dawn brings. Edit: I just thought of another thing to add: Clean up my HD at home and back-up my files. P.S. yuki_eiri_girl you're my first oneechan. but now I really do look at you two as my siblings, even more than my own two brothers. *group hugs* Drink from me

Wake Me Up When December Ends - Lesson [21 Dec 2005|12:57am] Lesson for the day: When looking for a costume, head to the kids section first. It has never failed me yet. It's skirt day tomorrow. Both painful and bothersome. Drink from me

Wake Me Up When December Ends - Irritation [19 Dec 2005|11:33pm] Again I begin the requisite half an hour of writing. There should be more time alloted for this, but for now, this will have to do. I believe that the very root of my irritation from humanity stems from the fact that humans have the tendency to state the obvious. This redundancy annoys me to no end. And the thing that really pisses me off is when the inability of the human being I am interacting with causes me to become redundant. I don't like repeating myself. I give you your chance. Often times there won't be a second time. The tragic thing is, the reason why I am so often misunderstood (not to mention considered an impatient spoiled brat) is because people can't keep up, especially when I'm really on a roll. I can't help it if I manage to keep track of useless things. Nor in my opinion should I blame myself if others can't keep their attention long enough to finish a thought. Perhaps, the failing on my part is my lack of patience. But so much time is wasted in the endless repetition of things already known. There's so much more out there to do, to learn, to be! Some people at least have come to know the danger signs I give out most unobtrusively just when I'm getting myself to a boiling rage over man's ineptitude when it comes to understanding the most basic things. For truly, and I have seen this many many times, if everyone would just shut the hell up and instead observe, most conversations need not be held at all. People of the trivial kind would be bound to argue that there will be nothing with which to pass the time with. To them I quote the adage that I firmly belive in: Small minds talk about people. Average minds talk about events. Geniuses discuss ideas. That and David Eddings saying about Geran, that the boy who keeps his mouth shut has the time to observe and to learn. The more your mouth is flapping, the less you learn. I guess the above explains why I am rather picky with my circle of friends. It's because they have to keep me interested. I'm in constant search of intellectual stimulation to broaden my own little world. The world itself is indeed too small. What I generally look for in a person, if we are to have a harmonious relationship, is someone who can give me fresh ideas or opinions. And as was the case before, it is from someone with experiences completely differing from mine that I fall for most deeply. As much as it seems like I like bossing people around, I rather prefer that I be the idiot between the two of us. I want to be the one learning rather than the one teaching. Even though there is a profound satisfaction to be had from the latter, I am inclined to believe that the satisfaction at least in my case is derived from the stroking of my ego rather than the fulfillment of my desire to be helpful. I am honest to myself. And I can't get any more honest than that. I don't really give a damn what people think of me, especially if I don't care about the person who thinks negatively of me. But there is the desire to be understood. Or at least, there's the effort to understand. But even I sometimes get lost with my own theories and thoughts. I'm always liable to lose my footing, and I'm very bad at keeping my feet grounded. Still, I think I'm not a complete fool. I don't think I'm simply blundering through life. I can't exactly say that I know what it is that I will become, but at least I don't have to continually ask myself 'what am I here for?' Because I fill my days with purpose, though they are not so earth-shaking as the goals of the titans of today. I get by with concentrating on what I can do now, and providing a little bit for the future. It's accomplishment for me, to not be flustered with the knowledge that I can't imagine where I'll be four years or so from now. Baby steps. Take things slow. It's a boring way to live, but I am living. Not just existing. For now, my goal is simply to experience new things. And to learn from those experiences. I still believe that I am young. There are too many things that I can do. I shouldn't let my time go to waste worrying about the future. Planning is good. Doesn't mean that I can't enjoy what I have now though. I am exhausted. I don't know what from. But there is tomorrow to look forward to. I think it's going to be a good day. Perhaps not the best, but the important thing is there's the potential for it to be a great day. And really, you can't ask for anything more than that, can you? Drink from me

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